LEARNED HELPLESSNESS II

In the first part of this series, we started talking about how "learned helplessness" has held a lot of people down; stopping them to achieve their dreams and break free from negative beliefs, emotions and habits.

In this part of the series, we shall focus on the three pillars of learned helplessness. Dr Martin Seligman of the university of Pennsylvania has done intensive research on what creates learned helplessness and in his book "Learned Optimism" he reports on three specific patterns of belief that cause learned helplessness- Permanence, Perversiveness and Personal.

People who have entered the learned helplessness zone are people who feel that their situation is permanent. They feel like they won't be able to break free from that habit or emotion no matter how much they try. They forget that nothing is really permanent, it just depends on the choices you're making.

Secondly, they also think that, that situation is pervasive; that is it affects every other area of their life. It is therefore not alien to hear these people say something like "I'm a failure" "I'm not going to be good enough" and so on. Even if they might be succeeding in another area of their life say their finances, they become blind to it thinking that their whole life is in a mess. But my dear friend, your whole life is not in a mess! If you check well, there are at least five things going on well for you- quote me wrong if you see less than five.

And lastly, they take their failures personal. Instead of seeing failure as an event, they see it as a function of their personality. Anthony Robbins said "If we don't see failure as a challenge to modify our approach, but rather as a problem with ourselves, as a personal defect, we will immediately feel overwhelmed". Stop relating every negative thing that happens to you to that habit or emotion- detach yourself! You're not your habit neither are you that emotion- you are you just having challenges in that area. Do you get this? I'm sure you do.

As a drop my pen, I want you to make a decision to believe in yourself once again to change. I want you to never give up on yourself no matter what! I know you might be asking how the change would come because you most likely have tried all you know in the past and nothing worked. But even the best of therapists can do little or nothing if you don't bring your believe to the table- in fact, helping you to believe in yourself once again is therapeutic on its own and can just be the joker that you need.

Never forget that I'm here if you need to talk

I value you!

LEARNED HELPLESSNESS I

A baby elephant was tied to a pole while growing up, it tried many times to free itself from the entanglement of that pole all to no avail. After many years, it grew to become a giant elephant and this time could break free from the rope and pole but pitifully, never tried. In fact, at a point the rope was removed from its legs but it has been unfortunately conditioned not to try because of the repeated failures of the past. The giant elephant was deprived of freedom because of learned helplessness.

Learned helpless can be defined as when people experience enough failure at something to a point where they feel they can no longer succeed in that area.

Learned helplessness is behavior typical of a human or an animal and occurs where the subject endures repeatedly painful or otherwise aversive stimuli which it is unable to escape or avoid. ... Such an organism is said to have acquired learned helplessness.

I find a lot of people on a daily basis who have learnt to be helpless in different areas of their lives...I've been there myself too. And that is why I'm writing this; because no one can truly change if they don't believe that they can change. I feel you especially if you have tried to change or stop a particular habit, all to no avail.

I want you to know that you can and will break that habit only if you accept that this is not the finality. Everything in life is learned and everything can be unlearnt. Whatever habit or addiction you seem to be struggling with right now didn't fall on you from birth; it was learnt and by following a particular process, it can be unlearnt.

I'm sure you've heard stories of people who were addicted to one thing or the other but then broke free after many years. That could be you too, yes! It can. I personally struggled with a habit for up to 7 years of my life but today I'm free because I chose to embrace change, I chose to believe in myself to make the right choice, no matter how long I had been making the wrong one.

Please don't give up on yourself!

Just like the 44th president of America said "Yes, you can!"

I believe you can become a better person. I believe you can break free from that addiction or habit!

The question is if I can believe that you can change, why can't you believe that you can?

If I can believe you will become a better person, why shouldn't you do the same?

And you know what?

The most important and empowering belief in this process is yours!

I sincerely want to help you through this process, do not hesitate to hit me up and let's begin!

I value you

ONE YEAR OFF

I was in the university when I had a conversation with a young man who was about 17 years old at that time. The reason why his age is important to remember in this conversation is that he had dated about 19 ladies, oh yes you saw it right 19 ladies. I wasn't told, I engaged him personally and he called the names of the 19 ladies. According to him they could be more but those were the ones he could remember.

Wow!

I guess that's your exclamation too as it was mine the day he told me. Even though I put up a bold face, I cringed within me because I was older than him and hadn't recorded my first babe at that time.

Of course I had to advice him to go on a sabbatical leave for a while before going on with his escapades. I know not many of us have the same kind of experience with this young man but many of us as well have not stayed without a relationship for the last five years and it's not like we have been stock with one person but as soon as we finish with one person we're on to the next person without any space. And the funny thing is many people blame the previously failed relationship on the ex without looking at the possibility that they might have been missing something fundamental over time.

There is no way you would have been doing it right and yet have changed three relationships in three years- it is a pointer that something is wrong.

So my first advice would be to step back and take a break. And this is where a lot of people get it wrong too because they leave a vacuum without deliberately filling it up with something. So when you take the break, you want to ask yourself what the challenge is and introspectively determine where you need to make the necessary changes.

You need to get healed of past pains and heart break as they might be the things driving you to a journey of no return.

You want to get the requisite knowledge because that might just be the bridge between where you are and where you ought to be.


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HOW ADDICTIONS ARE FORMED

How does one who has never smoked before become a chain smoker after some time?

How does one who was a virgin some years back become a sex addict who can't stay without it for a day?

How do we explain that this person who tasted alcohol while he was 18 is now a serious drunk at 22?

It started from a bite of chocolate but it feels like my life depends on it, what's wrong with me?

I'm sure you can relate with these instances as you may fall into one of these category or know someone who does.

It is important to know how addictions are formed because when we do, it is easier to break free from them because there is a pattern or better still avoid them.

1. Every addiction starts from a thought. Yes, a thought. My mentor Praise Fowowe would say "A thought is not a sin until it is been given a thought". Thoughts are seeds- if you water them, they would grow. If you nuture them they would germinate and bear forth fruits. If you don't want a thought to grow, kill it from the very beginning, from the roots. In fact, it starts from UNCONSCIOUS thoughts, that means the thought flashed your mind without your deliberate effort. And then it swings over to CONSCIOUS thoughts if you allow it stay long enough. At this point, you deliberately allow the thoughts to flow.

2. If the seed of addiction successfully passes through the " Thought stage", it graduates to the ACTION stage. If you can hold it long enough in your mind,it will happen with time. If you can hold it long enough in your mind, it will happen in real time. Everything is created twice like a wise man posited, first in your mind and then in real life. The same goes with addictions.

And that is why EXPERIMENTATIONS can be dangerous. A lot of people, I mean a whole lot of people addicted to one thing or the other today, started out by experimenting. "Let me see how it is" "This is the only time I would try it" "Just this once" "Everybody is doing it so let me just try it out"- these statements have been the bane of so many. Don't be among the statistics.

3. HABIT: As it moves from conscious thoughts to action and then it becomes habit- repeated actions. Research has it that whatever you do consecutively for 21days becomes a habit. And then after the habit has been consolidated, it becomes....

4. ADDICTION: An uncontrollable desire to do something. What you could have controlled at the thoughts stage or worse still action stage.

Action is like a strand of broom but addiction is like a bunch of broom made up of so many strands(actions). Olakunle Soriyan was right when he said " Every action is a step towards mastery".

What are you mastering?

And I'm sure you know that it is easier to break a strand of broom than a bunch but then bunch of brooms can still be broken; they are just broken with superior power.

It starts by acknowledging that you need help

Do you need help?

Talk to me dear.

I value you!

Miracle O. Ihuoma
H

GIVE ME A SPOUSE OR I DIE?

Have you seen this caption before?

It was a popular church event title that went viral at a point on social media. Even though a lot of people took it for a joke and made fun of it, it is also a fact that many people also attended that programme. In fact, there are a lot of people who have covertly attached their existence to getting married. While I'm not playing down on getting married, it is important to note that desperation will only attract the wrong person to you.

Have you been so hungry that ijebu garri looked like fried rice to you? In fact at that point you might not mind eating something below your normal standard. That's what happens when we're desperate, we settle for anything. And I tell you this with every sense of humility, it is better not be married at all than to marry the wrong person- a lot of divorcées will attest to this. Someone anonymous said "It is better to wait long than to marry wrong".

Lack of marriage does not hinder the fulfilment of purpose. So you can be single and still fulfil purpose. This has been seen throughout history. Don't allow anyone make you feel less of yourself because you don't have a relationship or yet to be married. God can still use you whether married or unmarried.

And just a word for custodians of the " biological clock", can we please just ease the pressure on people who are yet to be married? You don't want to know what this pressure has pushed many into.

And the sooner we come to the fact that not everyone will be married, the better our world will become.

And you know what?

The reason a lot of people are yet to discover or attract their spouse is because they are yet to discover themselves. Everything you're trying to get on the outside, starts with you on the inside.

I don talk plenty already, lemme comman be going.

I value you!

Miracle O. Ihuoma
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