LEARNED HELPLESSNESS II

In the first part of this series, we started talking about how "learned helplessness" has held a lot of people down; stopping them to achieve their dreams and break free from negative beliefs, emotions and habits.

In this part of the series, we shall focus on the three pillars of learned helplessness. Dr Martin Seligman of the university of Pennsylvania has done intensive research on what creates learned helplessness and in his book "Learned Optimism" he reports on three specific patterns of belief that cause learned helplessness- Permanence, Perversiveness and Personal.

People who have entered the learned helplessness zone are people who feel that their situation is permanent. They feel like they won't be able to break free from that habit or emotion no matter how much they try. They forget that nothing is really permanent, it just depends on the choices you're making.

Secondly, they also think that, that situation is pervasive; that is it affects every other area of their life. It is therefore not alien to hear these people say something like "I'm a failure" "I'm not going to be good enough" and so on. Even if they might be succeeding in another area of their life say their finances, they become blind to it thinking that their whole life is in a mess. But my dear friend, your whole life is not in a mess! If you check well, there are at least five things going on well for you- quote me wrong if you see less than five.

And lastly, they take their failures personal. Instead of seeing failure as an event, they see it as a function of their personality. Anthony Robbins said "If we don't see failure as a challenge to modify our approach, but rather as a problem with ourselves, as a personal defect, we will immediately feel overwhelmed". Stop relating every negative thing that happens to you to that habit or emotion- detach yourself! You're not your habit neither are you that emotion- you are you just having challenges in that area. Do you get this? I'm sure you do.

As a drop my pen, I want you to make a decision to believe in yourself once again to change. I want you to never give up on yourself no matter what! I know you might be asking how the change would come because you most likely have tried all you know in the past and nothing worked. But even the best of therapists can do little or nothing if you don't bring your believe to the table- in fact, helping you to believe in yourself once again is therapeutic on its own and can just be the joker that you need.

Never forget that I'm here if you need to talk

I value you!

LEARNED HELPLESSNESS I

A baby elephant was tied to a pole while growing up, it tried many times to free itself from the entanglement of that pole all to no avail. After many years, it grew to become a giant elephant and this time could break free from the rope and pole but pitifully, never tried. In fact, at a point the rope was removed from its legs but it has been unfortunately conditioned not to try because of the repeated failures of the past. The giant elephant was deprived of freedom because of learned helplessness.

Learned helpless can be defined as when people experience enough failure at something to a point where they feel they can no longer succeed in that area.

Learned helplessness is behavior typical of a human or an animal and occurs where the subject endures repeatedly painful or otherwise aversive stimuli which it is unable to escape or avoid. ... Such an organism is said to have acquired learned helplessness.

I find a lot of people on a daily basis who have learnt to be helpless in different areas of their lives...I've been there myself too. And that is why I'm writing this; because no one can truly change if they don't believe that they can change. I feel you especially if you have tried to change or stop a particular habit, all to no avail.

I want you to know that you can and will break that habit only if you accept that this is not the finality. Everything in life is learned and everything can be unlearnt. Whatever habit or addiction you seem to be struggling with right now didn't fall on you from birth; it was learnt and by following a particular process, it can be unlearnt.

I'm sure you've heard stories of people who were addicted to one thing or the other but then broke free after many years. That could be you too, yes! It can. I personally struggled with a habit for up to 7 years of my life but today I'm free because I chose to embrace change, I chose to believe in myself to make the right choice, no matter how long I had been making the wrong one.

Please don't give up on yourself!

Just like the 44th president of America said "Yes, you can!"

I believe you can become a better person. I believe you can break free from that addiction or habit!

The question is if I can believe that you can change, why can't you believe that you can?

If I can believe you will become a better person, why shouldn't you do the same?

And you know what?

The most important and empowering belief in this process is yours!

I sincerely want to help you through this process, do not hesitate to hit me up and let's begin!

I value you

ONE YEAR OFF

I was in the university when I had a conversation with a young man who was about 17 years old at that time. The reason why his age is important to remember in this conversation is that he had dated about 19 ladies, oh yes you saw it right 19 ladies. I wasn't told, I engaged him personally and he called the names of the 19 ladies. According to him they could be more but those were the ones he could remember.

Wow!

I guess that's your exclamation too as it was mine the day he told me. Even though I put up a bold face, I cringed within me because I was older than him and hadn't recorded my first babe at that time.

Of course I had to advice him to go on a sabbatical leave for a while before going on with his escapades. I know not many of us have the same kind of experience with this young man but many of us as well have not stayed without a relationship for the last five years and it's not like we have been stock with one person but as soon as we finish with one person we're on to the next person without any space. And the funny thing is many people blame the previously failed relationship on the ex without looking at the possibility that they might have been missing something fundamental over time.

There is no way you would have been doing it right and yet have changed three relationships in three years- it is a pointer that something is wrong.

So my first advice would be to step back and take a break. And this is where a lot of people get it wrong too because they leave a vacuum without deliberately filling it up with something. So when you take the break, you want to ask yourself what the challenge is and introspectively determine where you need to make the necessary changes.

You need to get healed of past pains and heart break as they might be the things driving you to a journey of no return.

You want to get the requisite knowledge because that might just be the bridge between where you are and where you ought to be.


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HOW ADDICTIONS ARE FORMED

How does one who has never smoked before become a chain smoker after some time?

How does one who was a virgin some years back become a sex addict who can't stay without it for a day?

How do we explain that this person who tasted alcohol while he was 18 is now a serious drunk at 22?

It started from a bite of chocolate but it feels like my life depends on it, what's wrong with me?

I'm sure you can relate with these instances as you may fall into one of these category or know someone who does.

It is important to know how addictions are formed because when we do, it is easier to break free from them because there is a pattern or better still avoid them.

1. Every addiction starts from a thought. Yes, a thought. My mentor Praise Fowowe would say "A thought is not a sin until it is been given a thought". Thoughts are seeds- if you water them, they would grow. If you nuture them they would germinate and bear forth fruits. If you don't want a thought to grow, kill it from the very beginning, from the roots. In fact, it starts from UNCONSCIOUS thoughts, that means the thought flashed your mind without your deliberate effort. And then it swings over to CONSCIOUS thoughts if you allow it stay long enough. At this point, you deliberately allow the thoughts to flow.

2. If the seed of addiction successfully passes through the " Thought stage", it graduates to the ACTION stage. If you can hold it long enough in your mind,it will happen with time. If you can hold it long enough in your mind, it will happen in real time. Everything is created twice like a wise man posited, first in your mind and then in real life. The same goes with addictions.

And that is why EXPERIMENTATIONS can be dangerous. A lot of people, I mean a whole lot of people addicted to one thing or the other today, started out by experimenting. "Let me see how it is" "This is the only time I would try it" "Just this once" "Everybody is doing it so let me just try it out"- these statements have been the bane of so many. Don't be among the statistics.

3. HABIT: As it moves from conscious thoughts to action and then it becomes habit- repeated actions. Research has it that whatever you do consecutively for 21days becomes a habit. And then after the habit has been consolidated, it becomes....

4. ADDICTION: An uncontrollable desire to do something. What you could have controlled at the thoughts stage or worse still action stage.

Action is like a strand of broom but addiction is like a bunch of broom made up of so many strands(actions). Olakunle Soriyan was right when he said " Every action is a step towards mastery".

What are you mastering?

And I'm sure you know that it is easier to break a strand of broom than a bunch but then bunch of brooms can still be broken; they are just broken with superior power.

It starts by acknowledging that you need help

Do you need help?

Talk to me dear.

I value you!

Miracle O. Ihuoma
H

GIVE ME A SPOUSE OR I DIE?

Have you seen this caption before?

It was a popular church event title that went viral at a point on social media. Even though a lot of people took it for a joke and made fun of it, it is also a fact that many people also attended that programme. In fact, there are a lot of people who have covertly attached their existence to getting married. While I'm not playing down on getting married, it is important to note that desperation will only attract the wrong person to you.

Have you been so hungry that ijebu garri looked like fried rice to you? In fact at that point you might not mind eating something below your normal standard. That's what happens when we're desperate, we settle for anything. And I tell you this with every sense of humility, it is better not be married at all than to marry the wrong person- a lot of divorcées will attest to this. Someone anonymous said "It is better to wait long than to marry wrong".

Lack of marriage does not hinder the fulfilment of purpose. So you can be single and still fulfil purpose. This has been seen throughout history. Don't allow anyone make you feel less of yourself because you don't have a relationship or yet to be married. God can still use you whether married or unmarried.

And just a word for custodians of the " biological clock", can we please just ease the pressure on people who are yet to be married? You don't want to know what this pressure has pushed many into.

And the sooner we come to the fact that not everyone will be married, the better our world will become.

And you know what?

The reason a lot of people are yet to discover or attract their spouse is because they are yet to discover themselves. Everything you're trying to get on the outside, starts with you on the inside.

I don talk plenty already, lemme comman be going.

I value you!

Miracle O. Ihuoma
You

THREE KINDS OF PEOPLE ON SOCIAL MEDIA

In my years of observation on social media, I've discovered that there are three categories of people who exist on this space:

1. Producers:

These are the ones who generate the content,feed the minds of other people on social media and determine the social media environment. Please do everything to be here.

2: Consumers:

These are the set of people who consume content created by producers. Of course most producers are also in this category as well. But then it is a pity that there are a lot of people who exist only on this space. In this category,there are two sub-sets; (a) Selective consumers: People who select the kind of information they consume. Some of them have decided to only pay attention to pictures, comics and lewd content while some others have decided to focus on information that would get them better. (B) Nonselective consumers: These ones are the "anywhere belle face" kind of people, they take in all kinds- both good and bad.

3. Copiers:

Wow...what a special set of people they are. Many of them have never written anything original on social media except their pictures. Some of them are confused fellows,they are full time consumers who want to exist in the producers' space but have no content, so they copy from the producers and take it to their fellow consumers to make it look like they are also producers but na lie we know them. How? Because you see the same post in like five other places. Lol. Some persons won't be happy with this post because it looks like I'm exposing them. But no vex. The issue I have with many of them is that they copy without acknowledging the source of the write up.

I think everyone on social media should be on three levels.

Produce something as well, don't just be a consumer. Establish your presence with meaningful content on social media. If you don't know what to write, go and learn. And out of the abundance of the things you're learning,you will have things to write.

Be a consumer too,preferably a selective consumer. One who consumes things that are pure,virtuous and have a good report- whether videos,pictures or writeups. You can learn a lot from social media, don't just chat alone. Learn. When you see meaningful posts, don't say it is too long, find out time and read it.

Then of course be a copier, but copy with sense. Copy and share meaningful materials with your friends. Don't be stingy with information. Start with this one. And do not forget to indicate the source.

Thank you

I value you!

Miracle O. Ihuoma

#BrainWaves

DON'T PUT YOUR HAPPINESS IN SOMEONE ELSE'S POCKET

I was having a chat with someone sometime last week and in between the chat,the person said "make me happy" and I was like seriously! Don't bother to ask how the chat ended but that statement got me thinking; if I can make you happy,it means I can also make you sad. And that's just an extension of how many of us have put our happiness in someone else's pocket- so we get angry when they want us to and become happy at their own volition. But this can drain your self esteem especially when you're surrounded with people who are negative.

And please don't get me wrong. A research showed that 80% of our entire happiness is determined by our relationships. But then I think your ultimate happiness should be in your hands and we should be able to regulate our state and mood consciously even if it will mean to change our association.
Even as a married (wo)man,its important you different your role and your identity and learn how to switch roles to keep your self in a happy state. So when your spouse attacks your role you can switch to your identity and when your identity is attacked you can switch to your role. But as much as possible don't put your entire happiness in the hands of anyone,in fact when they know that you have done so there might be tendency for manipulation. And that's why I tell people,if you're not happy single you can't be happy when you're double. Your individuality is a serious prerequisite for relationship/marriage.
Marriage won't make you happy

Money won't make you ultimately happy

Own your happiness. Be in charge of your own happiness.

Learn to use the power of vocabulary to change your mood- your words have a lot of power in the regulation of your mood. For instance the intensity of feeling you have when you say "I'm furious" and when you say "I'm peeved" are different. That's the power of words.

You can also change your physiological state to change your psychological state- your body language can change how you feel.

And finally for today,make sure your association is a positive one and not a toxic one.

I value you

THE MYTH OF A NEW YEAR

Ain't we going round in a circle believing that we're making progress when we're only just expending energy?

This is the circle: In January we are all fired up and everyone feels like they can literally move a mountain from one location to another. Many of us make resolutions, some set goals and very few write down those goals and pursue them yet we all want to achieve "the same" result. That momentum goes on for about a month or two and then we relapse back to our default mode of laziness, procrastination, lack of focus...you can fill in the remaining gap. And that continues till we get to EMBER months; it then occurs to us that people from the village have been pursuing us and are basically the reason why we haven't achieved so much(yet we go back in December to meet them). And then comes November when we begin to move from one prayer meeting to the other looking for the God of the 11th hour and a lot of us get fixated on that till the 31st of December when "everyone" goes to church to receive a word for the year. And then the cycle begins over again.

Does this sound or look like you?

Then you need to ask yourself a fundamental question; why does it happen that way? I'll help you out a bit.

There is nothing mysterious about a new year. There is nothing mysterious about achieving success in a year or going round in circles. Or maybe here is the mystery- right things done daily compound into success, wrong things done daily compound into failure. Your year would end the same or even worse than last year if you still hold on to the same beliefs, values, attitudes and relationships. Yes! We focus a lot on the outside forgetting that what happens around us is a reflection of what is going on within us- first within then without.

Remember that insanity is doing the same thing the same way and expecting a different result. Sanity would then be using different strategies till you discover the one that works and then stay with it; and when it becomes obselete (it sure will), you change the strategy again.

In all, don't be carried away by the frenzy of a new year. Without a new you everything continues to be old except the days that come by. Remember that you cannot pour a new wine into an old wine skin. In other words in this context, you cannot achieve anything in the new year being the old you.

If this year is going to be any different, then you have to be deliberately deliberate.

In the spirit of being deliberate, I present to you two great opportunities: My Relationship Mentoring Programme which is a one year mentoring plan on relationships which you get to subscribe with a token of a thousand naira, if a student #500

And secondly is our Online Premarital Coaching Programme which comes up on the first week of February. Yoh can get a 30% discount today.

Hit me up now and don't procrastinate.

Happy new year!

I value you!

Miracle O. Ihuoma